Gah, I am so tired. I haven't gotten more than 2 hours a sleep a night in the last 3 weeks. I am running on empty and it sucks. I am so annoyed and so stressed I am making myself sick with worry. Physically. Puking is so not fun and does not help when midterms are in the picture but I am glad they're done or I would go insane. Not that I am not already.

I am so stressed but I am use to it. Or I should be. Maybe I'm not but I should be. It seems that's all that's in my life right now. Damn, it sucks. I hate it. I wish that things got better, but they never do.


Hell, it sucks. Blah.

First off to those who left messages on my last post:

Julie xuntamedx: Yes, the icon was teh amusing. I do feel shitty right now, very shitty. Thanks for thinking of me. :)

Sarah fallen_angel815: *hugs* I just feel like shit right now, fully and totally, no matter what I do. There isn't anything you can do, but thanks for asking. It means a lot.

Ashley lostintheashes: I liked being over with Chris. It was fun....minus almost dying on the way there. Sometimes though I feel like sitting alone is the only way to just...be. Maybe not a good thing, but its there.



Okay, now, I want to say for anyone who's worried about me, I am so sorry. I wish I could say something and make you not worry but right now I can't. Chris said I should have the decency to let you all know what's going on. Well, truth me told, that may be right, but as of now, I don't even know what's going on. I feel torn in so many places right now and I know no matter what I do I will make someone unhappy/mad, and I can't handle that pressure right now. It may seem selfish (statement via Chris) but right now I need to focus on my mental health and...oh, well, fuck, I don't even know what's going to make me feel better. All I know is right now I don't feel emotionally safe at Sage, and no matter what Chris says to try to get me to just say, "Fuck it, I'm going," that is the most prominent thought in my head. I feel like that place is going to kill me, even though I know that's completely irrational.

Nothing is logical or clear right now. Everything is a giant blur. I want to scream and run away but I can't. I can't do much of anything right now but sit and wait for this shit to be over.

If it ever will.

I don't know if or when I am returning to Sage. Right now it feel like that's no where near an option, unfortunately. I feel like I am gonna be stuck here for the rest of my life in this house that is driving me insane.

According to what I heard (from Schwartz who said Bertelli told him) people were asking about me yesterday in the office. If that's true in a way it helps, but at this point, even though I know I am not alone, I feel alone. I can't help it. I can tell myself I'm not alone until I am blue in the face, but in the end, I will still believe I am in fact alone.

Thanks to Joe joecook, Julie xuntamedx and Ashley lostintheashes for trying to cheer me up. It does help, really, even if right now it doesn't seem like it does. I do keep the things you say in mind, and I thank you for saying them.

If I could choose to feel better I would, but right now that isn't an option.

Right now I really have myself. I wish I was dead, I was I was never born, I wish I could just fade away in to the scenery. I am nothing. I will amount to nothing. I will never be anything but a complete and total fuck up. Alone, hated, pathetic.

I am not going to live to be 40. Trust me. The way things are going, I won't make it to 30 even. This life...it's like dying inside. Slowly, painfully. Every part of me wants to just rip away from the other parts and burn because I am just so stupid and so fucking useless.

Kristen was right, though I hate to admit it. I'm just a fat piece of shit that no one likes, and fine, whatever. I am what I am. I can't change it. I just remain that way. And frankly, I don't blame people for not liking me. I don't like me. Hell, I hate me. If I could just wish myself out of existence I would. I would drift away, slip away from the world, and be forgotten. It would be like 1984. All records of me existing would be gone. I would merely stop being. Oh, what a blessing to the world that would be. Not to have someone as stupid and pointless as me around.

I wish I was just dead. I wish I wasn't so stupid and ugly and fat and hateful and spiteful, and untrusting to the rest of the world. I wish I had the courage to just exist like a normal fucking human being rather than being afraid of my life. I wish I was just vapor and I couldn't be seen.

I don't want to got to school. I don't want to go to therapy. I just want to fade away.

I wish I was something else. Someone else. Someone that is worthy of taking up space on this world, not a waste like I am.

But what's the point in complaining. No one cares anyway. Not my family, no one. I am the one they pretend to care about, pretend to pity, just to get them to shut up. I'm the one they ignore when they can, and deep down in the pit of their soul, they wish they would just whiter up and die.

If I could choose to just not be anymore, I would. This world is not worth it. This place is not worth it. I am not worth it! God! I fucking hate this! I wish I was happy for one fucking moment of my life! That I was someone! That I was worth something!

But what's the point in wishing. You only get disappointed anyway.





"Show me how defenseless you really are"- So Cold, Breaking Benjamin

The rain sucks.

My life sucks.

Blah.

Sometimes I get so lost I forget to breathe. Sometimes I think I breathe too quickly and I get dizzy. Either way I forget to be myself sometimes, well, most of the time. I trip up and fall. Misery comes to rest and seems to plant itself there. My life is full of lies. Truths?:

1) Sometimes I honestly wish my father would die. As horrible as that sounds its true. I feel like such a terrible person when I feel that way, but it's true. He's cold and cruel and calculating and he seems to forget that fathers are supposed to love their children no matter what.

2) I was molested at 7 by someone I was supposed to trust. Result? I don't trust most people, especially guys. Do I think all people, or more specifically all guys, are evil? No, but I find it easier just to keep my distance. It's harder to get hurt.

3) I find I can't keep my distance from people or pretend I don't care. I can't be that cold and distant.

4) I can never fucking sleep. Damn insomnia.

5) I am not a smoker, but stress makes me want to smoke and I have been more stressed out lately than I thought possible.

6) For the last two weeks I have had a none stop headache. I can barely think and I get sick to my stomach hourly.

7) I need to do a lot of shit before school starts and I am not motivated to do any of it.

8) At the current moment, my life sucks.