Today- err, yesterday- was the first day of school, and yeah it pretty much sucked. I myself am not a big fan of crowds in any shape, way or form, so that made the day majorly blow. Don't get me wrong, it was good to see everyone I haven't seen since June, and Lexi is going to school with me now so that's awesome but other than that I could really give a shit about school. Frankly I am fucking tired of it. Year five people! Year fucking five. It's just too annoying.

I guess that I shouldn't just complain about in seeing as that won't do any good. I can't change the past or the shit in my life no matter how hard I want to but hell, life is for shit right now and I guess I project that into my school life too.

Adam came to visit today which was cool. The first one to try out our new visiting system. It was pretty cool.

I so don't wanna fucking go back tomorrow.

Sometimes I get so lost I forget to breathe. Sometimes I think I breathe too quickly and I get dizzy. Either way I forget to be myself sometimes, well, most of the time. I trip up and fall. Misery comes to rest and seems to plant itself there. My life is full of lies. Truths?:

1) Sometimes I honestly wish my father would die. As horrible as that sounds its true. I feel like such a terrible person when I feel that way, but it's true. He's cold and cruel and calculating and he seems to forget that fathers are supposed to love their children no matter what.

2) I was molested at 7 by someone I was supposed to trust. Result? I don't trust most people, especially guys. Do I think all people, or more specifically all guys, are evil? No, but I find it easier just to keep my distance. It's harder to get hurt.

3) I find I can't keep my distance from people or pretend I don't care. I can't be that cold and distant.

4) I can never fucking sleep. Damn insomnia.

5) I am not a smoker, but stress makes me want to smoke and I have been more stressed out lately than I thought possible.

6) For the last two weeks I have had a none stop headache. I can barely think and I get sick to my stomach hourly.

7) I need to do a lot of shit before school starts and I am not motivated to do any of it.

8) At the current moment, my life sucks.

Okay, so I decided to write a little story to get a little bit of an insight into my mind so you can understand why I am the following:

1) A bitch to the general population.
2) Why I don't trust people, don't get close and like to push people away.
3) Why I hate my father.
4) Why I never have and I never will live a normal teenage life.

( One upon a time, a long, long time ago.... )

Sleep seems to always evade me. I don't understand it sometimes. I was watching Prozac Nation and I realize how much I'm like her. Is that really what I am? I am the girl who proves therapy doesn't work. Fuck therapy. Six years and all it's gotten me is my father's resentment and a major headache. I have been on more meds for my problems than I can count and Prozac, the supposedly great miracle pill is not a miracle pill. It did nothing for me.

People tell me all the time how great I am. I am told I am smart, that I am loved, that I will make something out of myself, but I don't see it. I don't know how. Maybe I don't want to. I look at myself and all I see is the pain, the mistakes in my life.

Dad always yells at me because I blame him for so much of my problems. Maybe he's right. It's not him. It's me. I'm the problem. I screw up. I screw everyone up. I am this darkness. Why people bother with my I will never know. People just don't seem to realize how horrible I am.

In Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote, "I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me for repairs before the warranty ran out. But that was so long ago."

The question is, if I am a defective model, if there anyone who can fix me? Can I be fixed?