First off to those who left messages on my last post:

Julie xuntamedx: Yes, the icon was teh amusing. I do feel shitty right now, very shitty. Thanks for thinking of me. :)

Sarah fallen_angel815: *hugs* I just feel like shit right now, fully and totally, no matter what I do. There isn't anything you can do, but thanks for asking. It means a lot.

Ashley lostintheashes: I liked being over with Chris. It was fun....minus almost dying on the way there. Sometimes though I feel like sitting alone is the only way to just...be. Maybe not a good thing, but its there.



Okay, now, I want to say for anyone who's worried about me, I am so sorry. I wish I could say something and make you not worry but right now I can't. Chris said I should have the decency to let you all know what's going on. Well, truth me told, that may be right, but as of now, I don't even know what's going on. I feel torn in so many places right now and I know no matter what I do I will make someone unhappy/mad, and I can't handle that pressure right now. It may seem selfish (statement via Chris) but right now I need to focus on my mental health and...oh, well, fuck, I don't even know what's going to make me feel better. All I know is right now I don't feel emotionally safe at Sage, and no matter what Chris says to try to get me to just say, "Fuck it, I'm going," that is the most prominent thought in my head. I feel like that place is going to kill me, even though I know that's completely irrational.

Nothing is logical or clear right now. Everything is a giant blur. I want to scream and run away but I can't. I can't do much of anything right now but sit and wait for this shit to be over.

If it ever will.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I've never hated myself so much, I've never really wanted to die until now. I just want to get away from everything in this world because I am such a screw up.

Right now I really have myself. I wish I was dead, I was I was never born, I wish I could just fade away in to the scenery. I am nothing. I will amount to nothing. I will never be anything but a complete and total fuck up. Alone, hated, pathetic.

I am not going to live to be 40. Trust me. The way things are going, I won't make it to 30 even. This life...it's like dying inside. Slowly, painfully. Every part of me wants to just rip away from the other parts and burn because I am just so stupid and so fucking useless.

Kristen was right, though I hate to admit it. I'm just a fat piece of shit that no one likes, and fine, whatever. I am what I am. I can't change it. I just remain that way. And frankly, I don't blame people for not liking me. I don't like me. Hell, I hate me. If I could just wish myself out of existence I would. I would drift away, slip away from the world, and be forgotten. It would be like 1984. All records of me existing would be gone. I would merely stop being. Oh, what a blessing to the world that would be. Not to have someone as stupid and pointless as me around.

I wish I was just dead. I wish I wasn't so stupid and ugly and fat and hateful and spiteful, and untrusting to the rest of the world. I wish I had the courage to just exist like a normal fucking human being rather than being afraid of my life. I wish I was just vapor and I couldn't be seen.

I don't want to got to school. I don't want to go to therapy. I just want to fade away.

I wish I was something else. Someone else. Someone that is worthy of taking up space on this world, not a waste like I am.

But what's the point in complaining. No one cares anyway. Not my family, no one. I am the one they pretend to care about, pretend to pity, just to get them to shut up. I'm the one they ignore when they can, and deep down in the pit of their soul, they wish they would just whiter up and die.

If I could choose to just not be anymore, I would. This world is not worth it. This place is not worth it. I am not worth it! God! I fucking hate this! I wish I was happy for one fucking moment of my life! That I was someone! That I was worth something!

But what's the point in wishing. You only get disappointed anyway.





"Show me how defenseless you really are"- So Cold, Breaking Benjamin

I wish I could just die. I hate my life! I hate this world! I wish that all the stupid people could just drop dead! Screw the whole world!

Fuck you all, and fuck this. I am tired of fucking being told I am not worthy and that I am nothing. This is bullshit. Nothing I do is right, nothing I say is right and I never do enough. Why do I even bother? Why didn't they just kill me at birth? Then at least people wouldn't have to put up with me and my shit because (fucking happy, Chris, because I am admitting it) I am a A-NUMBER ONE FUCK UP THAT NO ONE LIKES AND (in Chris's words) IS GOING TO BE KILLED ONE DAY WHICH WILL BE GREAT BECAUSE I WILL BE PUT OUT OF MY MISERY. I am the girl who should hold her breath and die because the world would be better off, I am stupid, ugly and immature and no one likes me and you know what? Fine. I really don't fucking care anymore. Why bother caring when all it does it hurt you? Why not just wash my hands to all of this because people fucking hate me anyway, so you know what Chris? Fine, here is my confession sheet since you seem to know me so fucking well.

1) No one likes me and everyone thinks I am immature and stupid.

2) I am SO much more immature and dumber than Chris because apparently 2 fucking weeks of not acting out makes him so much better.

3) My parents apparently don't give a damn about me because they won't lock me away in a hospital for the next twenty something years.

4) I need to be on as much medication as Crazy Rachel because I am as bad as she is.

5) The reason I have no lawyers, judges or millionaires in my family (which apparently Chris does) is because my family is too fucking stupid to have them.

6) My therapist and doctor are quacks who should have their licenses taken away.

7) I might as well just slit my wrists because no one would care if I died anyway.

8) A am apparently a martyr because I hate myself.

9) In Chris's mind being molested apparently doesn't fuck you up at all and is something you should get over in like 2.4 seconds, but because I didn't just go, "Oh, I was sexually abused by someone I trusted, but whatever. Let's go dream about happiness and sunshine," I am a fuck up and immature.

10) I seemingly should not resent my father's verbal abuse and drinking. Um, right.

11) Apparently (see according to Chris) I look like I am half retarded.

12) Apparently (again, see according to Chris) if I was half the person he was I would be extremely lucky.

13) That I'm not good enough for Ramsey and that they would have kicked me out a long time ago, which is not something to worry about because I frankly don't give a damn about Ramsey but that is still so horrible to say.

14) Apparently (seeing according to Chris is becoming a pattern here) my town is the laughing stock of Bergen County and Ramsey beats us at everything because we are such a laughing stock.

15) And in conclusion I am a sad pathetic person who no one will ever love or even care about because I am too stupid and too immature and I look half retarded, so why would they? I might as well die- if I don't get murdered first- because no one would cry of come to my funeral. Hell, they would throw a fucking party and tell everybody that the greatest thing in the world happened- I died!

So, you know what? Fuck it. Why should I bother doing anything at all to better myself if apparently this is what I am and what I will be? I mean, come on. What is the fucking point people? Am I supposed to just waste my time? Oh, no, wait, according to Chris I am too stupid to even know how to waste my time right. So fuck this. I won't be friendly, I won't try to help, won't try to give advice, won't do shit. Just ignore me, point and laugh if you want, I don't fucking care. I'll go about the fucking motions and just get done what I need to get and that's it. Just fucking forget I am even here.


You all fucking hate me anyway so why bother?

What would be the fucking point?

Don't get me wrong, if you want to talk to me or whatever I will still try to help and be there but since you all apparently hate me that won't be happening. All I ask is that you all be fucking honest and tell me what you really think.

Is that so fucking much to ask?

Black out my eyes because I don't want to see this fucked up place they call the world.

It's amazing how a few minutes- or even seconds- can make you depressed as hell.

I am so depressed. Don't wanna go back to school...*sniffles*